


a downward spiral

by NorthOfSomewhere



Category: Far Cry 5
Genre: Angst, Incest, M/M, No Smut, One-Sided Attraction, Sibling Incest, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:20:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25332304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NorthOfSomewhere/pseuds/NorthOfSomewhere
Summary: Joseph's voice and his words wash over him. Warm, like the sun. His words pin everyone in the church to their seats, no one moves for fear of missing one second of this. Joseph's gaze stops on him, quietly intense and there is a small smile playing on his lips. And when his eyes move along to another member of the flock, John comes away feeling euphoric.
Relationships: John Seed/Joseph Seed
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	a downward spiral

Joseph's voice and his words wash over him. Warm, like the sun. His words pin everyone in the church to their seats, no one moves for fear of missing one second of this. Joseph's gaze stops on him, quietly intense and there is a small smile playing on his lips. And when his eyes move along to another member of the flock, John comes away feeling _euphoric_.

After the service Joseph asks John to go with him to Jacob's. There's a meeting scheduled for that afternoon, but he wants to get there early. He stops himself from biting his lip and nods in agreement. Just the two of them. Jacob was busy, "strategizing". Faith called before the service to say she wouldn't be able to make it. A _situation_ at Sacred Skies, she said. 

"I'll call Faith." John offers before his brother can ask. "See if she can meet us there." He's rewarded with a bright smile. It's probably more to do with Faith, but John basks in it. He leaves John to make the call, and he can breathe a little easier with the Father's presence out of the room. Easier to not have to face his sins.

"Hello?" Faith says, far away, in tone and in terms of distance. She's holding the phone away from her, he can hear her snap at someone else in the room with her. He likes her best this way. Annoyed. It makes her easier to relate to than the soft, sweet angel she makes herself out to be.

"It's me." He says when he thinks she's listening.

"Hey," She says, warm once again, but sincere. "How was church?"

"They missed your singing, little sister."

She laughs. "Not when they had you, I'm sure."

"Joseph would have preferred _you_." Bitter, _jealous_. It's too sharp, too sudden. And it's out of his mouth before he can stop, wall not quite built up again. Listening to the Father deliver sermons is like being flayed, every desperate fortress he tries to build taken down until his feelings are laid bare. It's been worse lately. Ever since the Deputy showed up. Another person who has Joseph's attention.

Faith is quiet, then soft. "I'm sorry."

He pauses, won't say sorry, but when he speaks again there's no anger. Leeched out of him. His body is heavy and tired. "Will you meet us at Jacob's? Stone Ridge this time. We'll be leaving soon." Another pause, then he forces out "We can swing by and pick you up if you want."

"I-" She sounds hesitant, unsure if he means it. But he knows she doesn't like driving, or being by herself.

"I mean it, Faith." He sighs. "It'll probably make it easier." An admittance, and he knows he shouldn't. Saying it, implying anything makes it more real. But Faith won't say anything. He knows her weaknesses, her _fears_. Mutually assured destruction. On his part. Hers, who knows. Perhaps there's no malice. Inexplicably, she seems to like him.

"Okay" She says, still gentle. "See you soon."

It's his truck but Joseph is the one behind the wheel. He pulls himself into the passenger seat. It's both too far and too close to Joseph. He looks at him in his peripheral vision, golden in a patch of sunlight. It hurts, something in his chest aches, a twist of deep longing.

John looks away, towards the radio. He fiddles with the dial. Almost every station is static. He finds one that works, one of theirs, turning the volume up a little. A mistake. Joseph starts to sing along to the hymn playing over the speakers. He stares out the open window, puts his right arm out, buffeted by the window. It's cold. There's an undercurrent of something he's been _trying_ to ignore. An impossible task, he doesn't know where to start, how to untangle it from everything else. The one sin he hasn't confessed to, one he _can't_ confess to. It's been there since his secretary back in Georgia said that there was: "a Joseph Seed here to see you." With a hint of distaste in her voice, in her eyes. Everything is so twisted together.

John closes his eyes, the past easier to watch than the drum of Joseph's fingers on the steering wheel and the low sweet tone of his voice so close. Easier because he can't change it, can't make a mistake.

A knot of anxiety, a feeling like the floor is opening up beneath his feet. It's a feeling he hasn't had in a while. It's strange. But the flood of white hot anger in his veins isn't new. It roils under his mask as his mouth forms a practiced smile. He aims it her way, pairing it with a few kind lines, and now she's blushing. He looks away from her and-

Seeing Joseph is an immediate rush of love, of fear that this isn't real, of finally feeling like he is home. It is too much all at once. He manages to hold it together until the click of his office door as he shuts them in, turning quickly and locking it behind him. It takes a second longer than it usually does because his hands are shaking. _Too much_.

He turns from the lock and opens his mouth to say, something, anything. _I missed you, I love you_. Nothing seems good enough, no words. But he can't stop his arms from raising up and in a desperate rush he wraps his arms around his brother. At the contact, he sags into Joseph's grip. _This is real, you are real_. The only thing holding him up is Joseph's steady arms around him, warm and heavy. His own arms have no strength, but they cling to Joseph's back. He's thin, the material of his shirt is soft. There's a sudden, wild whim to lift his head, to press his mouth to Joseph's. It's the only way he can think of to convey how much this means to him. How much _Joseph_ means to him. The love he feels in this moment is intense. Stronger than anything he's felt before. It burns him out like a flare in his chest where he thought he could feel nothing but hate and emptiness. It's this brightness that makes it's home in his heart. _I would do anything for you_.

One of Joseph's hands starts rubbing his back in comforting circles, and it's this that lets him speak when the words wouldn't come before. Serving as an anchor, pulling him down to earth. "I thought I would never see you again."

There's a pause in Joseph's movements, and then his voice in John's ear. "You didn't need to worry, I was always going to find you."

Joseph's hands move from his back to his shoulders and then he takes a little step back. And John almost whines at the loss, he never wants to let go. Then one of Joseph's hands is on his cheek, calloused and warm. John leans into the touch. He doesn't consciously do it, it's just instinct. His other hand moves up to the back of John's head, carding through his hair. He pulls him closer, and their foreheads touch. Joseph is staring into his eyes and John feels exposed under his gaze. His mouth goes dry. All it would take, he thinks, is to surge forward a little. Then, then he can show Joseph what his words won't do justice. 

He starts to move but he stops because Joseph opens his mouth to say something.

"The Voice told me so."

John is silent. He finds himself leaning in again. Head bowed. To listen, this time. Joseph speaks of the end, the collapse, the things that are to come.

He believes, immediately. Because of course his brother is special. He always knew that, it would make sense for God to think so too. He mentions their older brother.

John starts at this, Jacob's name, can't help but interrupt, the question all but falling out of his mouth in a rush of hopefulness. He lifts his head, eyes searching Joseph's. "You found Jacob?"

"Not yet, but we will." Joseph says. "Are you prepared to follow me John? The Path will be difficult. We will be met with much resistance."

"Yes." John says fervently. "Of course." Then he feels guilt, guilt and shame at what he almost did. He feels like a child, every emotion too big for his body. He's so used to everyone seeing what he wants them to, but seeing Joseph has brought him back to feeling so _young_. "What is it, brother?" And something in him breaks at that, the shame burning in his stomach. Joseph is staring at him, waiting for him to speak. John casts his eyes downward and starts to confess.

He never admitted it. Not _that_. He confessed to everything else. At first, he told himself it was a temporary thing, his brain misjudging his happiness and excitement at seeing his brother again. It would go back to normal, it had to. There was nothing but familial love when he saw Jacob, so he had hope. But it never went away.

As the song changes, slips into a choir rendition of one of Faith's songs, he comes back to the present. Finds they're close. He relaxes a little as they pull into Faith's driveway. She'll sit between them. A buffer.

* * *

He's glad Faith isn't here to see him break. Jacob too, would see him as weak. " _Why?_ " Joseph implores. John knows what he's asking. Why all the anger, the hate, everything. His first thought is _it's you_ and he hates himself for it. It's not Joseph's fault. All the rage and hate in his heart that Joseph thought he abolished is worse, made that way _because_ of the love that he has for his brother, because it is not a pure kind of love. He is a sinner. Of the worst kind. The way he thinks about his brother, the way he feels about the Father. There is brotherly love there, but something else too. Something that made its home in his heart that day back in Georgia. _I love you, I want you, I need you._

"You put so much importance on family, and then all your attention goes to Faith. _I_ am your family. I want this place in your heart. People hang on to every word you utter, but you don't listen." John is breathing hard, anger and adrenaline making him shaky and nauseated. He laughs in a way that sounds unhinged, even to his own ears. " _Why?!_ " 

And he does what he didn't back then. He lurches forward, closing the small gap between them. His fingers scrabble for purchase, gripping Joseph's shirt sleeves like a lifeline. There's a pause, he realizes he's shaking. Then, desperate, wild rush, he kisses him. _I want to show you._ He can't say the words, can't even begin to explain, but he can do this and maybe that's backwards, but he knows everything about himself is wrong. Joseph doesn't move, John can almost feel the judgment rolling off of him. _You will hate me, but I love you, and I will sacrifice myself to save you, your cause. Because I believe in **you**._

A part of him knows this is the last time he'll see Joseph. So, he puts everything he has into this, this last chance to get Joseph to understand, his hate for himself and for everyone that isn't his family, his devotion for the Father, his adoration for his brother, the sin of lust that lives inside him coiled like a snake. He tried to temper it, with Holly, with others, but all of them were just sparks and Joseph, Joseph is a forest fire. 

He pulls back, still doesn't look into his brother's eyes. Joseph is unwavering. Calm, placid, still. John knows that underneath they are more similar than Joseph would ever admit to. Maybe more than he knows. John envies that, to be so self assured, to not feel your sins clawing at your insides until you have to carve the outside to match.

_More love all around me, Joseph? But all I want is yours._


End file.
